Kaitlyn could not decide if it was the best day or the worst day of her life. She stood in the hall out side the examination room, hands pressed to her belly, gasping at the shock. Her mind reeled. She was pregnant. Her husband’s violent nature was never far from her mind and she knew this could be the last straw. This could get her killed. She was shocked at herself. How had this happened? They had used birth control. Here she was, a woman with an amazing IQ, and she had never expected this. She knew, with every breath, that a child was a gift, but still she felt fear of its existence. The only thing she had learned today at the doctor’s office was that she was pregnant but not how far along. Her mind slammed back to a particularly bad beating that had happened a few weeks ago. “How dare you try to slip that dress bye me? If we hadn’t been late already I would have made you change.” The anger is Chris’ voice was razor sharp. “Every one at the ballet tonight thought my wife was a whore.” Kicking off her shoes, she ran ahead of him to their room, tearing at the dress, desperate to get it off. What in the world had possessed her? She knew he hated her to wear the color red and the lack of straps and low back had only made it worse. She had been trying to make him proud but it had backfired. The silk fabric tore as he strode up behind her and ripped it at the seams. “If you want to dress like a slut I will treat you like one.” God she hated the mistakes she made. The tears dripped down her cheeks as he spun her around to back hand her. She had been so stupid and now she had to pay the piper. Her tears did nothing to stop him as he slammed his palms to her chest sending her flying across the room. She knew she had messed up. She had defied him. And for what really? A chance to look sexy? That isn’t what he had wanted her for. He wanted the trophy wife. The long auburn hair styled to perfection, the nails manicured to a t. The trim body, fit and tight. She gasped as his eyes grew fiercer. He grabbed her hair by the fist full and hauled her to her feet. “You disappoint me Kaitlyn and that is a very big mistake.” He threw her across the room as if she were a rag doll. His FBI training made him stronger, tougher than most men, and it made the beatings all the worse. He may have only been a cyber agent but he was working on his field qualifications and the new muscle was evident in the ferocity of his punches. He was on her in a second, smashing his fist into her stomach. She knew she had to fight, had to fight as hard as she could. The beatings were bad but they were over quicker when she fought. She rolled to her stomach, crawling across the thick carpet, her screams filling the room. “Fight, Kaitlyn. I dare you. Fight” She knew his words were said through clenched teeth as he prepared to spring another volley of blows and she tried to roll with it as his foot smashed into her side. He ripped the satin corset from her body, leaving her naked and vulnerable. “Now you will give me what I want” She gasped as he ripped at his shirt, buttons flying. She hated this part, hated him and she tried to will her mind to be somewhere else. She tore herself from her memories and shuddered as she realized the child under her fingertips had probably been conceived on that night. Despite that she felt herself already loving the baby, desperate to find hope in her shattered life. Barely breathing, not even noticing the stares of the nurses as she passed she ran from the hospital. She had to beat him home. She had to keep her defiance to a minimum. If not for her sake than for the sake of her baby. She winced as she thought of the many forms of punishment Chris could heap upon her. She had to get to the car, she had to get home. She dared not make anything worse by being late. She knew she would already have to explain how she had gone over the mileage she was allowed. She had to get home; she had to protect her baby. Kat left the parking lot in front of Dr Smith’s office and drove on auto-pilot a thousand thoughts running through her head, buzzing around like bees in a swarm. She did not even notice when she passed the Cathedral of the Sacred Heart, one of her favorite buildings in the city. She loved to sit among the pews to feel a peace that was so unattainable at home, but today no comfort could be had anywhere she looked. She needed an excuse to give Chris, something to calm his horrid temper. If he found out about the baby he just might go past the brink and kill her. She was also thinking about her baby. She loved the thought of a baby but feared the consequences. The joy and terror left her weak and confused. Could she do this? Could she be as wonderful as her own mother had been? She was sure that this gift from God was a push to drive her to fight for a release from her horrible prison of a marriage. She had to get away from Chris and bring her baby into a happy, healthy, and safe home. As she pulled into the driveway the tremors began to spread through-out her body and she fought the sobs that started deep in her chest. Chris was home, his SUV parked slightly askance in proof of his anger. Kat knew that there would definitely be hell to pay for being there after him. As her husband walked from behind the large snow encrusted virgina pine tree that dominated their front yard Kat could not help the whimper that rose up in her throat and she hated herself for it, hated the weakness he always made her feel. “Where the hell have you been Kaitlyn? And don’t you dare lie to me.” Chris hissed menacingly as he grabbed her arm to drag her into the house. Despite the thickness of her wool sweater she could feel his fingers dig into her skin, his grip so tight she winced in pain. “Um…..w..well,” Kat stuttered, much to her disgust. ”I went to see Dr. Smith about changing our birth control method. You know that the shot was making me ill.” Even to her ears it was a lame excuse and she could only pray he accepted it. She needed him to accept it. She hated how his stare could affect her. He was the one person she had never been able to read because he always looked angry. Angry with her, with the world even, and she tried to ease her fears of him but failed miserably. “Then why didn’t you let me know? You know the rules Kat.” His voice was harsh and she struggled to not fall as he pulled her into the house. She could tell he was angrier than he had been in a long time and she knew she had to prepare for the worst. She stopped herself from blurting out the truth, knowing her life was on the line. “I should have called but I didn’t want to interrupt your work when your field tests begin tomorrow.” Kat exclaimed, desperate to keep the fear from her voice. “I know how much you had to finish up so you could make the drive to Quantico without work hanging over your head.” “We will discuss your lack of respect for my rules later. Now I want to know why Matt Perry has called me numerous times today.” Chris asked. She winced at the fury in his voice already waiting for the first punch to land. “He interrupted my work, Kaitlyn, and I refuse to accept that.” Hearing the name of her father’s best friend and her surrogate uncle brought a small smile to her lips, one she had to quell so Chris wouldn’t see. He hated for her to smile too much, especially if it wasn’t while pleasing him, he seemed to think she was trying to be defiant. Matt, his wife Jenny, and their son Jonathan had been a huge part of her life and her fears were eased at the thought of hearing his voice. She knew he loved her like she was his own and she needed that tie to her family, even if only through her father’s best friend. She had been wondering why he was home so early and now she knew the reason. She could not help but curse fate. “I was not aware that he had been calling.” Kat tried not to let her relief show. So far, so good. Maybe they wouldn’t fight after all, maybe she was safe. She was scared to even hope. “Yes, that’s why I came home, I was worried about you. Though I have to say I am glad, otherwise I would not have found out about your misbehavior until my weekly mileage check. At least this way you weren’t able to lie to me. Haven’t I taught you that you can’t hide anything from me Kaitlyn? I will always find out what you are doing.” He swatted his hand in the air as if brushing the subject aside, though Kat knew better. She flinched and knew he derived a sick joy from her reaction. “Matt said that it was extremely important that he talk to you and he couldn’t get an answer on the home phone and your cell was off.” Kat knew he paused to add another layer of fear to her already heightened senses. She knew he loved for her to tremble and quake at his anger. “Why was that Kaitlyn?” “I am so sorry Chris. The doctor makes you turn off your cell phone since they are in the hospital and it can interfere with some of the machines. When I called to schedule an appointment Dr. Smith said that he could only see me if I made it in fifteen minutes. His office was closing early today for his annual month long vacation, but he was willing to stay to see me. I had to go when I did, I’m sorry I didn’t call, so sorry. I really didn’t mean to upset you; I just got caught up in getting there.” Kat whispered, afraid to anger him further and hoping desperately that her response satisfied him. She put her purse and keys on the table in the entry way and winced as the front door slammed. Kat’s hope that a fight would be avoided was diminishing with every breath she took. “We will deal with all of that later. Go see what that man wanted first.” Chris huffed as he stomped off to his home office. Thank you God. Just help me make it through the rest of the night Kat thought to herself. She had to get out of here, she had to find safety. Kaitlyn took a deep breath of relief. When Chris had come into her life it had seemed like a dream come true. She had been aching for a love that she had come to realize would never be returned and she had felt so lost and alone, as if she were floating in the middle of the ocean with no chance of rescue. All she could do was tread water and pray she survived. Even when the fist abuse had started she wrote it off as stress and figured she deserved it. The more it escalated the more she felt she had earned it. She tried harder and harder to please him. She worked out more than was healthy, keeping her 5’6” body exactly as he wanted it. She did all she could, but it never seemed to be enough. Kat walked into the living room to call Matt back. She could not help but be excited at having contact with someone other than Chris and her students. It was a rare treat and something she drank up like a horse in the desert at the first sight of water. “Uncle Matt, you sound the same as you did when I was six. Will you ever get any older?” She asked with a laugh, happy to hear a comforting voice when he answered with his customary gruff hello. Kat hadn’t heard the telltale click of the extension and knew Chris could only hear her side of the conversation. “Kat, I am so glad that you called me back.” Matt exclaimed with pain and anguish in his voice that seemed to float through the phone line and tickle her spine. “You might want to sit down for this honey.” “Why? Is something wrong? I received an e-mail from Alex a couple of days ago and every thing was fine then.” She paused trying to gage the tone of his voice, desperately wanted the foreboding sensations to flee into the wind. “Tell me.” She felt fear course through her body. Fear that was so completely unique to her that it made her shiver with dread. It was not fear for her self this time, but for those that she held close to her, deep in her heart. “It’s your dad, sweetie. There was an accident on a job site.” He took a deep breath to steady him self. “He didn’t make it babe,” Matt said. Kat could hear the tremor in his voice and knew he was trying to soften the blow. “You need to come home.” Kaitlyn froze as it hit her that her worst fears were being realized, something that she dreaded would happen as her isolation and self-imposed exile grew deeper. Her father was gone and she was not there to help her family cope, she hadn’t even been able to talk to him one last time. She hated herself for that, and for all the time she had lost with her family. She had trouble taking it all in. Kat started to sob as she crumpled to the floor in a heap. She turned into herself, letting grief and guilt flow over her like a warm blanket. She did not know which emotion she was feeling more but knew that she wanted to let them drench her and aid her pain. Chris came running into the room, and Kat knew her display off agony would probably only make him more angry but she couldn’t seem to stop her hysteria. Chris grabbed the phone from her hand. “What did you say to her Perry? She doesn’t handle stress well, you should know that. She is just like her mother when it comes to pressure.” Chris hissed. She hated the way he talked about her mother. She wanted to scream out that it wasn’t true, that her mother was so much stronger than she could ever hope to be but her grief choked her, making speech impossible. She dreaded the silence as Chris listened. “She can’t deal with this, Matt.” Kat hated each pause fearing what would come next. “I don’t care that he was crushed by rock as a loader flipped. He could have died differently but my decision is still the same. I need her here to take care of me. She isn’t coming and that is final.” She wanted to talk to Matt again but felt as if her body was weighted down by cement. Her father was dead. He would never know of her pregnancy. He would never see his grandbaby. She knew her mother and brother had to be devastated. She winced at the anger in her husbands’ voice, knowing how disgusted Matt must be. “I don’t care if Anna and Alex need her, I need her more. You already have my answer.” Chris said as he hung up the phone before Matt could protest. Her body jerked when he slammed down the phone and she hated that. Hated the fear he always made her feel, hated the stupidity and insecurity that ruled her life. “Get up Kaitlyn and stop the hysterics.” She braced for what ever came next, praying for her baby. She had to protect the child in any way she could. Chris backhanded her and she felt her lip split. She prayed it would be over fast, that her baby would be fine. He pushed her towards the couch until she was sitting down. Kat fought the urge to grab tissue to stem the flow of blood from her mouth. She knew even trying to move would be seen as an act of defiance. She felt his stare as she kept her eyes on the floor trying to look as submissive as possible. Kat waited what seemed like forever and still nothing happened “Clean up, and get dinner ready. Do not burn it or I will have to punish you more severely. Don’t force me to hurt you again.” Chris wheezed, as he pulled her up by her hair. “Get it together.” Kat heard the derision drip from his voice. She was surprised that it was over but didn’t want to chance making it worse. “Yes Chris. I’ll call you when dinner is ready.” She spoke, proud of the strength in her voice, desperately willing strength into her legs. Kat limped into the bathroom and stepped out of her clothes. She hobbled into the spacious shower turning on the multiple shower heads. She let the water heat as she checked over her body looking at her newest set of bruises ringer her arm where he had gripped her. Seeing the purple, blue, and green spreading across her cheek sickened her. Thank the lord that Chris had not hit her stomach. Kaitlyn gave a silent prayer of thanks as the hot water covered her body, all the while knowing that there still might be more to come if he hadn’t been able to quell his anger. While the steam released the aches and pains that engulfed her, and the tension holding her body taunt, she gave into the grief that filled her to her soul. Silent tears streamed down her face as Kat thought of her father and missed him. She knew that she needed to get to Utah, to her loved ones and her freedom. Her family needed her and her baby had to be kept safe. Strength filled her to the tips of her toes; strength that she did not know existed, that she thought she had lost long ago, somehow she knew it was from her father that her power came. She would catch a plane to Salt Lake in the morning. Kat could be in Springville by early afternoon before Chris even realized that she was gone. She would go to the Perry’s, until she could face her mother. Matt would protect her and she needed that, she needed to remember what it was like to have a man love her and want the best for her. Besides, she could not go home until she and Anna worked through their differences. When that happened she and her baby just might have a chance at a happy, healthy life. Kat smiled to herself. It was her first real smile in almost three and a half years and it reached her eyes despite her grief. She stepped out of the shower stall and grabbed a towel feeling a new happiness course through her veins. Kat felt like a new woman knowing that she would take control of her life tomorrow. Life is going to get better, I just know it will, Kat thought with hope. She put on her customary t-shirt and shorts, despite the wintry weather outside, and went to the kitchen to start dinner. She loved this kitchen. The marble and dark maple cupboards complimented each other to perfection. Kaitlyn could cook like a dream. If she didn’t she would have to deal with his anger. She had taught herself well so she could avoid his rages. She had even learned to gage his mood to tell what he wanted to eat. Tonight she made his favorite, lasagna, something he always wanted after an especially anger filled fight. As she stirred her sauce and began preparing the food, she thought about the last time she had spoken to her mother. It had been two years since that last horrible conversation. Kat had wept as her mother once again displayed her confusion. When Anna Stuart had said she couldn’t deal with her daughters marriage Kaitlyn had taken it as a sign and had stopped calling home. She had been relieved at the split, grateful she didn’t have to lie or pretend anymore. Kat put the lasagna in the oven and went to set the table. If it was not cooked right Chris would become agitated and she did not want to risk it. She realized that the house was silent. She quickly walked through the house to find Chris but he was nowhere to be found and that bothered her. He had not mentioned leaving and that worried Kat and started the tremors all over again. She didn’t want to accidentally burn dinner while waiting for him to come home and hated how upset his disappearance made her feel. She checked the timer for the lasagna and went to her greenhouse garden to pick some vegetables for the salad. The only sign of the cold weather she felt were the thick boots she wore to hurry through the snow. As she picked a cucumber, some carrots, and a tomato she looked up at her home through the clear glass of the hothouse, savoring the warmth and the view. The house had been built in the 1800’s but it was full of modern amenities. She would miss this house. The wide, wraparound porch and the view of the Appalachian Mountains always made her feel closer to her family. The red shutters enhanced the white of the siding. Kat admired the hand crafted moldings as she carried her basket into the kitchen, careful not to track snow through the hall. The house gleamed because Chris insisted on it. The hard wood floors were freshly scrubbed and the marble countertops sparkled from daily polishing. She jumped as the front door slammed shut, slicing her finger with the knife she was using to cut the vegetables, and wincing in pain. It was evidence of how tightly wound her nerves were. “Chris is that you honey?” She called out, wanting to sound more cheerful than she felt, praying the right amount of excitement infused her voice, knowing it was expected. “You startled me.” “Who else would it be?” Chris laughed, the sound both reassuring and scary. She hated that laugh, hated how it made her skin crawl and her spine tingle. Kat threw a glance toward heaven, beseeching God to grant her strength to be every thing he wanted her to be for one more night. Hell, on more hour would be nice too. She turned around as he entered the kitchen carrying a dozen roses. “Dinner is almost ready babe. I made your favorite.” He put his arms around her, and pulled her into him. “I brought you these. Can we try to have a good night?” He didn’t sound contrite; he sounded relaxed though, as if he had released some tension. She smiled as she tried to hide her disgust, hoping her true feelings didn’t peek through her carefully composed facade. She should have guessed he was doing something like this. He always tried to make it better. “I deserved it. Let’s just forget about it. Why don’t you go sit down while I get your dinner on the table?” This time though it wouldn’t work. She had had enough and her baby deserved better. “Thanks Kat. You know that I love you right?” He asked as he turned to the dining room. She felt so revolted at even the sound of his voice. Here she was, a woman who had gotten her masters by 19, and she had let this man rule her life. How had she been so stupid? How had she been so weak, so gullible? She hoped her insecurities were behind her, but the curse of having a genius IQ was the knowledge that all insecurities were a breath away. “Of course darling, I love you too.” She held her breath until he was turned away from her; then she exhaled shakily and thanked the heavens that she would be leaving tomorrow. Kaitlyn finished grading her papers with a shudder. She knew that tonight Chris would expect sex. To him the more violent the better and if she wasn’t willing he was not above raping her. She pushed aside the grief for her father, the fear for her child, the hope that she would get away tomorrow and braced herself for the night to come. She had come to accept that he needed sex after an incident; it seemed to give him another way to torment her. She slowly shut off her computer and turned off the lights in her office trying to prolong her time out of the bed room. She crept through the house checking windows and locks all the while knowing that the most dangerous thing was upstairs waiting for her. Kat paused as she walked up the stairs to glance back at the door, knowing that tomorrow and her salvation would not come soon enough. Jonathan Perry walked into his parent's kitchen and made him self at home. He loved the feelings this room gave him and he never missed a chance to bask in it. The room was large with the outer wall one big picture window. The table and chairs were oak and iron, made by Joel Stuart and his father when they had been younger. The white marble counter top and floor contrasted beautifully with the dark wooden cabinetry. The dish washer and other appliances were covered in the same wood and blended well into the room, making the room seem older and more traditional than it was. He tugged at the collar of his police uniform and took a deep breath. He knew how much his father was hurting and he wanted to ease the pain. "Hey Dad," he addressed his father as he stood by the counter, "Got anything to eat?" "You are twenty six and you have your own kitchen with your own food. Why don't you eat there?" Matt asked a smile on his face that did not reach his eyes. He looked glad to see his son. "Did you call Kaitlyn with the news, Dad?" Jon asked this as he flipped a chair around to straddle it just as he had done since he had been big enough to sit in a chair. He was trying to be as normal as possible. He was hurting at the loss of a man he considered an uncle and he knew it was worse for his dad. A thousand times worse if the strain showing in Matt's eyes was any indication. "Yeah I called yesterday, but Chris won't let her come. He is worried about who would take care of him if she were gone," Matt fumed. "If you ask me that guy has some serious issues that he needs to deal with. I mean if you could have heard how stricken she was and then heard that guy talk you would have wanted to go through the phone and hit him. I know I did." "I know, I never saw what she wanted with him." He let his thought rest on Kaitlyn. When they were kids Jon had a huge crush on Kat. He had even asked her to marry him when he was ten and she was nine. She had claimed that boys had cooties and that she would never marry. Then she had given him her first kiss, wet and sloppy though it was. They had been inseparable from that moment on and no one had rejoiced more when the Stuarts had moved back to the valley permanently. He had forgotten that long ago proposal until that moment and he ached for her and what could have been. "Dad, do you think Chris will change his mind?" Jon inquired, hope in his voice, yearning in his heart. "Kat should be here. She must be miserable about all of this. The distance can't be helping matters any." "Son, I pray she comes, but if not we will be there for Anna and Alex as best we can," Matt said, anguish in his eyes. Jon looked closely at his father. Matt was 6'6" and a huge hulk of a man. He was a solid wall of muscle that could be immensely comforting or incredibly intimidating. He was on of those men that you went to when you were in trouble, instinctively knowing he would do anything he could to protect and shelter you. His physical characteristics gave off an aura of strength and his personality was just as strong. He was a big teddy bear that would give you a good squeeze whether you wanted him to or not. His family thought his hugs could solve all of the world's problems. Jon craved one of those hugs but didn't want to bother his father. Jon saw how his chartreuse eyes somehow looked both despondent and hopeful. His mouth was in a rare frown and quivered with unrelieved heartache and a despair so deep it hurt Jon just to look at him. Jon hated what he saw as he looked at his father and he began to worry. He knew Matt was not as young as he once was and Jon prayed that the shock of loosing the best friend that he had had since they were in their early teens would not make him suffer an early stroke as his grandfather had. Jon was heartbroken and devastated beyond measure and he couldn't imagine what his father must be going through. "How are you doing with all of this?" Jon asked now as he softly held his father's hand. "I am okay. I hate knowing that he won't be at work or that your mother and I won't be going on any more double dates with him and Anna. I hate not knowing what to do for them." Matt took a deep breath. "Anna seems to be in shock. Alex got angry and he won't let anyone near him, let alone talk to him. And Kat is stuck in Virginia with her ogre husband. It worries me." Matt cried softly, head in his hands. Jon grew even more concerned as he watched his father. Jon had never seen Matt cry and it startled him. Matt had always been the one to close himself off from showing his feelings to anyone but his wife. "You need to take some time for yourself to grieve. I'll stop by and see if Anna needs anything. Alex knows my number; I think he will call me when he is ready, we have always been pretty close." Jon said, quietly. "Take a few days off and let your heart heal before you go trying to make everyone else feel better." "Thanks son. I just might do that." Matt whispered. "Jon, what are you doing eating all of my food?" Jennifer Perry asked her son. He was happy to hear her teasing him even if her eyes were filled with pain. Jon had to admire how beautiful she was. Jenny was a tall woman. At 6' she was all leg. Her build was still slim and she carried herself with a dancer's grace. She was stunning. Short red curls framed her oval face. Her honey eyes shone with hurt now but they usually were filled with joy. Her nurse's hands had helped to save many a life and he counted on them to keep his father healthy. "Hey Mom, I just wanted to see how you both were doing." Jon stood, knowing his father was in the most capable hands possible. "We are fine, son. I'll take care of your father," she said as she wrapped her arms around her husband and gave a half-hearted wink to her son. "You go ahead and go to work." "Kay. Bye Mom, Dad." Jon said as he kissed them both before he walked out of the door. "Love you." Jenny was so thankful that she had a son like Jon. He was always thoughtful of others, just like his father. She worried that, in a job where a person encountered some people who were beyond help, he would burn out. Now Jenny was worried about her husband as well. He rarely looked as haggard as he did at this moment. She knew that he would try to help everyone instead of focusing on himself. She was not sure yet if that would help him grieve or hurt him. Anna Stuart woke slowly, her body stirring first before her mind even reached consciousness. Her hearing was the next thing to awaken. As she stretched, her ears strained to hear the shower as a sign that Joel was up and about. Joel. It slammed into her like a ton of bricks. Joel would not be here this morning. He would not be showering in the house ever again. Anna clutched his pillow trying to breath in his scent. How was she supposed to survive without him? As she lay there with his smell all around her she let the memories flood her senses. Their first date, first tender kiss, and first time making love, filtered through her brain like a slide show. Anna had been fourteen when she had met seventeen year old Joel. He was the older brother of her best friend, Sheila. Anna had always fancied herself in love with him. She was shocked when he returned her love. As she clutched his pillow she couldn't help but smile through her tears as she remembered their first fight. It had been a warm spring day and love was in the air. They were getting their first apartment together and needed to get some things at the store. While there they decided to get all of the bathroom accessories. Joel had wanted dark shades of blue and green and Anna had wanted pastels for a lighter feeling. They had ended up screeching at each other over the lack of respect they had for one another's opinion and about trying to drown out each other's personalities. Anna laughed as she remembered that someone had yelled at them to quiet down. They had gone still and just stared at each other. Then, as it hit them that they were making a public display over something as idiotic as bathroom colors they burst into laugher. Tears rolling down your face: laughter. They had quickly compromised on both dark and pastel shades of blue and went home to make love on the floor of their new home. The phone beeped as she tried to calm her tears. Anna grabbed for it as she wiped the salty droplets from her face with the back of her hands smearing her day old make-up. "Hello Anna, how are you doing?" Matt Perry asked. She could hear the sorrow in his voice and took comfort in knowing she wasn't alone in her pain. "Well, I am as good as I can be, I guess." She sniffled and had to clear the tears from her throat. Anna was stunned at how hard even talking on the phone seemed to be. "I think I am still in shock." "I called Kaitlyn. Chris claimed that she was too delicate to deal with this and that she won't be coming," he said. She could here the frustration and derision in his voice and knew how he felt. She always felt the same when she tried to talk to Chris. "I got the feeling that something was already really wrong before I had even mentioned the accident." Despair and concern flashed in her eyes, she had known for years that Chris had issues where her daughter was concerned and she always worried about Kaitlyn. She wanted her children so badly she could almost taste it, like a strong wine you could caress with your tongue. "Well thanks for trying, Matt. At least they know. I'll talk to you later; I need to check on Alex." She wanted to get off the phone, each word of concern she heard made the pain worse. She hated having her life be in shambles and no one could make it better. No one but her children. "How is he?" Matt asked before she could hang up. She knew he was only trying to help and she was grateful for it but her mind was in turmoil. Her life had been destroyed in a single moment. A single breath of time, and she just wanted her kids. She loved hearing the concern in his voice but felt her agony build with each breath, each second she was on the phone. "He seemed to be in shock for a while after I told him. Then he skipped denial and grief and went straight to anger, horrible, gut wrenching fury. I have never seen such contempt in his eyes." She felt the sobs build again at the destruction Joel's death had already caused amongst them. "Okay, if you need us, call. Jenny will be around all day," Matt said as clicked off. Anna was grateful he had ended the conversation. She needed space, time to deal with her loss. She needed her son. She walked down the long hall toward Alex's room. It was so hard to walk through their dream home. Joel had worked so hard to make this house possible. She winced as every piece of art; every hand crafted piece of furniture seemed to drip with Joel's presence. Anna let her body shake as she passed their last complete family portrait. It was taken when Kaitlyn was 18 and Alex was 8 and they looked so happy. Just seeing Joel's cocky grin made her heart shatter. His dark brown hair and bright blue eyes seemed to pierce her soul. God she missed those eyes, she craved those eyes. It made her want Kat even more because she knew her daughter shared those eyes. She knocked quietly on the door of her fifteen year old son and prayed he was ready to talk. She needed him. She needed his smile, which was so like Joel. She needed to watch him eat and see the comforting movements so like his father. She wanted so see him just to embrace a living part of the love she shared with Joel. "Alex, are you okay honey?" Anna asked, hoping for a response. They should be together right now and she knew it. She was so confused by his anger. She was angry too. She hated fate, but she was not letting it consume her. She desperately wanted to know what was going through Alex's mind. "Mom, just go away. I want to be left alone," Alex shouted rudely. It hurt to hear how different he had become. Not even twenty-four hours had passed and it felt like an alien was in her son's body. He had lost his sweetness, his laughter, his love for her. It seemed he had even lost his love for life. She hated that, hated it with ever second that passed. "Okay, for now, but we need to talk about this sometime." She forced herself to let him be, but it was gut wrenching. Anna walked back to the kitchen. Her mind was boggled at the hostility pouring out of her son. She had expected grief or even denial at the news of his father. Never in a million years would Anna be able to comprehend this stony anger she had encountered, it was as if he had died with his father. She knew she had to get busy so she started making scrambled eggs and toasted a bagel, knowing she needed to eat. She sat down at the table with her glass of juice and wished that Kaitlyn was here. They had become more than just mother and daughter after Kat had graduated high-school. They had become best friends. They had talked about everything. Well, they had until Chris had come along and imposed his control on all that Kaitlyn did. She let her mind focus on Kaitlyn craving the way thinking of anything but Joel eased the ache in her belly. For as long as she could remember she thought Kat would marry Matt and Jenny's son, Jonathan. They had been inseparable as children whenever the two families got together but somewhere in high school they had grown apart. Though Kat and Chris had lived close by for the first year of their marriage, Anna had not been able to see her daughter as much as she had wanted to. Kaitlyn had always had a handy excuse to avoid her and Anna sensed that Chris was the real reason. Something about his personality scared her and she ached for the life her daughter was bound to lead. Anna could swear that she had seen pure evil pouring out of Chris's eyes when he thought that no one was looking. Jon sat in his patrol car and thought about Kaitlyn. He still thought of her as the love of his life. He had spent the last years going from relationship to relationship in an effort to replace her but it had never worked. He made so many mistakes where she was concerned. Jon wished that he had told her his feelings sooner, he dreamed of what their kisses would be, of how she would look carrying his child in her belly. He would love to go back and change so many things. He grimaced as he remembered the last time that they had seen each other. It was a week before she was supposed to marry Chris. He had finally realized that she was completely oblivious to the way he felt for her. He had called her in the hopes of remedying that problem. She had agreed to see him with out a moment's hesitation. "Jon, is everything okay?" Kat asked. The concern shone in her eyes, her tension evident in the way she pulled at her sweater. "You made it sound so important." They were at a little bakery in downtown Provo. They had eaten lunch there once a week for years. They had talked about everything at their lunches. He chose this place because he felt it was a fitting way to reveal the love that filled his soul, and his dreams for them. "Um… Kaitlyn, are you happy? I mean really happy with Chris?" He asked, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice. He rushed on before she could answer. "I love you Kat. I have since we were little and you said that I had cooties." "Jon." "No, listen. I thought you knew. I was sure of it. Even after you started to date Chris I was sure you would be around to marry me, so I didn't say anything then." He tried not to sound too upset. "I never dreamed that you would marry someone else before I had a chance to talk to you." He paused as he saw the tears start to fill her eyes. He prayed that these were tears of joy but this was not how he had expected her to react. He hated seeing the salt lines marking her face and knowing that he had caused them tore his heart. "I never meant to upset you with this. I just wanted you to know that I had our future planned. I thought we would get married, have the American dream. White picket fence, two kids, and a dog. You know, go the whole nine yards." "Jon, stop." Kat interrupted. He knew she was trying to keep her emotions in check as she scrubbed her napkin across her face. "I never knew you felt like this." He hated how she struggled with her words. This was not going how he had expected it to. "I can't let this change anything. I am getting married to Chris. I am sorry. It might be best if you weren't at the wedding." She finished quietly. He shuddered as she ran out of the restaurant. Jon jerked himself back from the past and looked at his parent's house. He hated the anguish he had seen in her eyes that day, the bleakness that had floated across her beautiful face. He almost, though not quite, hoped that she did not come home. Seeing her would just bring the old pain back. He missed her so much. He only wanted her to be happy. Jon sent a prayer skyward asking God to make her marriage a good one, to make her happy and safe, to give her the strength she would need to get through this. As Anna thought of her family, Alex struggled in his room alone, fighting a battle no one could help him with. He looked around his room and felt like he were someone else intruding on this space. Every thing was neat and organized and it conflicted with the feelings that ran through his body, the pulsed with every beat of his heart. He stared at his huge bed and all he saw was his father making it. Each curve of iron, each flash of wood scream at him. They accused him by there presence and he shuddered with his guilt. He knew Anna needed him. Right now, though, Alex did not want to go anywhere near her. Seeing his mother made him ache for his father. For the first time in his life he wished that he was someone else. He was so angry at his father for dying and he was angry at himself for killing him. Now he remembered their fight bitterly. They had been in Anna's library, surrounded with all of her books and trinkets. "Alex, you are going to college and that is final," a fuming Joel muttered angrily. "Dad, you didn't. You did everything on your own. You and Uncle Matt built one of the largest construction companies in the state. I want to work with you!" Alex exclaimed. He wanted to make his father proud but he was so sick of school and studying, he just wanted to be near Joel. Was that really so bad? Alex plopped down on the beige leather sofa with a sigh. He had guessed what his father's stand would be, but hearing him say it still hurt. He wanted to work with his father and Matt more than he had ever wanted anything. He was more interested in Perry & Stuart Construction than in girls, so it had to be a monumental want. "I struggled for the life that we have and so did your mother. I do not want that for you. I never want you to have to struggle. Having a college degree is the best way to ensure that you don't have to go through the things that I did. My life may be amazing now, but it wasn't always that way and it definitely wasn't always fun." "Dad, I am so good with all of the machines and equipment. I can drive a loader better than some of your most experienced guys." "Alex, you can't even legally drive a car yet, let alone heavy equipment. The only reason you did in the first place was so I could teach you how careful you have to be, even in a regular car. You need your education and that's it!" Joel insisted. Alex knew his father was deep in thought. He was staring through the wall like they were invisible and Alex knew he had reminded his father of the struggled he had been through when he was younger. Alex hated that his father seemed haunted by his memories. Alex knew he had to intrude on his fathers thoughts; he had to bring him back from the past and make him see how much he wanted this. "I have two months until my birthday and three until graduation, Dad. You know I would work cheap and bring in a profit for Perry & Stuart." "I know son. If after college you feel the same way then we would be happy to have you. Until then focus on your studies." "I hope there is an accident and someone gets hurt," Alex said, anger flashing in his dark eyes, "then you will realize that if it had been me the accident never would have happened." He knew in his gut he wasn't better than the men his father employed but he couldn't seem to help the poison spewing from his mouth. He turned and ran from the room, tears stinging his eyes and anger burning his heart. He avoided his dad after that, hoping to let things cool down before he tried to push his case again. Two days later an accident had happened. Now his father was dead because of him and his stupid temper. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he prayed for forgiveness. He had never wanted anything to happen; he had just been angry and spiteful. Alex missed his father so much and he could not believe he was gone. He knew that if his family ever found out what he had done they would hate him. They could never hate him as much as he hated himself. Alex called Todd, a guy he had been partnered with in science class, to come get him. He had to get out of the house, away from his mother and his guilt. He knew that Todd would have some weed and he wanted to drown his sorrows with the potent blend of drugs and alcohol that he knew Todd could give him. He had always been a good kid. He had never wanted to cause his family any pain like Kat had by marring Chris and moving away. He hated feeling that the hurt he had caused was much worse than Kaitlyn could have ever done even if she had tried. He pulled away from his parents' house and drove the two miles to the Stuart place. How he had envied them their house as a child. They were one of the few families who still had acreage and beauty. Jon missed playing hide-and-seek. He missed night games of tag and kick-the-can. Mostly he missed being a kid. He wished that he were still care free and young, that devastation and loss had never touched the people that he loved. He pulled up as Alex ran out of the house. Jon was stunned to see the changes that had occurred over night. The usually neat boy looked like he had fallen asleep in his clothes with all the wrinkles in them. His raven hair was sticking up in places and his brown eyes were blood shot. "Hey Alex!" Jon shouted to get the teen's attention, wanting to take the disheveled look from Alex's face. He knew Alex pretended not to hear as a car pulled up and he got in. The car, an unremarkable black Ford, sped away before the door was even shut. Anna raced out of the house. Her white robe billowed around her and her auburn hair was down, loose and sopping wet, her face scrubbed red and clean. Jon secretly thought she was beautiful, he always had. "Jon, did you see Alex? I have been trying to get him to talk to me but I can't seem to reach him no matter what I do." Anna looked miserable as she kept running her hands over her wet hair. "I just don't understand where this anger is coming from." "Everyone grieves in their own way. He will be okay." Jon said, hoping that he was right and Alex would be fine. "I saw him take off in a 90's Ford. It was a little beater car. He seemed anxious to see his friends, didn't even look at me when I called his name." "I don't know who owns that car. He did not even say that he was leaving." Anna grumbled. He could tell she was trying to figure out who her son could be with. Jon could see that she was very close to tears. He tried to understand how she felt but couldn't. He remembered the pain of knowing he would not ever be with Kaitlyn, but imagined that losing a loved one in death had to be so much worse. "Let's go inside, Aunt Anna." Jon gently put his arm around her shoulders, hunching to do so, since she was so small beside him. "Thanks, Jon. It is nice to not be alone." They walked into the spacious kitchen. Anna looked so small. Jon noticed now that the robe she was wearing was Joel's. She seemed to calm down as she set about setting the coffee-maker to brew some coffee. The way Anna moved was graceful and reminded him of a white-tailed deer. She had a quiet confidence that made everyone around her relax. "Aunt Anna, is there anything that I can do for you?" "Actually, yes there is. I am supposed to go get the body released this morning." She paused, catching her breath. "I called Kyle Hall and he said that it would be okay if you did it for me. Would you mind?" "Of course not. I'll take care of anything you need." Jon was so proud of Anna. She would stumble but she always regained her footing. He wished he could remain as steadfast through all of life's problems as she did. Seeing her take a deep breath and stand tall, he was awed. Seeing how Jon watched her made Anna feel self-conscious. He had always been aware of everything. As a little boy you always wondered if he heard a word you were saying because his eyes would dart all over. Now she remembered an incident when he was 6. Anna was working on her new book. She was sitting on the Perry porch watching Kaitlyn and Jon play tag. They were here for a few weeks of summer vacation. She heard a strange noise and saw bees swarming on a tree near the kids. She had called them over to her. "Kids stay away from the tall oak tree. I know your tire swing is on it but until the Dads can get rid of the bees it isn't safe." Jon eyes were on a butterfly fluttering near the ground. As he reached forward in an effort to lure the beautiful creature into his hand Anna felt her patience fail. "Jonathan, look at me young man. When I tell you something I expect you to listen." "I heard you Aunt Anna." Jon wined in his little boy voice. "What did I say?" Anna expected an excuse or an apology. "Stay away from the swing tree cause theres bees. I know Kat is llergic." "Wow. Okay Jon, I am sorry I got mad. You two can go play." Anna saw his eyes roaming all over the place now; sitting in the kitchen he had known almost half of his life. It pleased her to see he still had that insatiable curiosity. "What are you looking at?" Anna asked, curious about his answer. "Everything. I haven't been here in a while. It hasn't changed in ages. I love that." Anna laughed unexpectedly. It felt so good to laugh, to have some bit of joy while her life was such despair. She was so glad that Jon had stopped by, it was almost as good as having Kaitlyn back home. Life was tough and she knew she would always miss and love Joel, she just hoped that she could go on and maybe see things with the wonder Jon had with everything. Then her beloved's scent hit her and she was not sure how she would survive. She left her car at the house as she ran to the cab with her duffle, rolling suit case and carry on. She was on her was, thank heavens. She glanced around, desperately praying that no one saw her. The cab ride was over quickly as she reached the airport in Richmond. Kat tried very hard to ignore the stares she garnered for her battered face. She could not seem to help glancing around, searching for Chris, expecting him to stop her frantic flight at any moment. She felt safer as she made it through security and safer still as her flight was called and she boarded her plane. Kat was the only one in her row and she felt so grateful. She knew she couldn't face the looks at her battered face or the questions and she buried herself in a blanket a sympathetic flight attendant gave her. She closed her eyes and prayed for sleep. She had spent most of the night awake and trying to stay as still as possible as Chris slept next to her. She was so scared that he would figure out what she was up to that she tried desperately to fake it. Kaitlyn woke as they descended into Denver. She finally felt some peace and some hope. She had made it this far. Maybe she wasn't the horribly pathetic woman she thought she was. Maybe she wasn't the pathetic woman Chris had constantly told her she was. Kat made her flight change and felt calm. She was almost there. She thought of her mother, feeling both dread and excitement. She missed Anna. She missed her strength, and her soft voice. She missed her hugs and her quiet support. God, she hoped her family was okay, especially Alex. He had been so close to their father. She knew he must be as devastated as she was and just thinking about it made her start to sob. She needed to think about something else, something happy. The baby was just the ticket. She pulled a pregnancy magazine out from her bag and tried to forget her worry and grief for the brief flight to Salt Lake. Her journey was almost over. Once she got there she would face everything, but for right now Kaitlyn just wanted to forget. Kaitlyn sat in the cab shaking with relief, letting all of the feelings she had hid from flood her senses. She had made it, she had escaped. She was in Utah and Chris had not come after her. Being free gave her an intoxicating feeling of power. She was taking charge of her own life and she loved it, but she hated some of the events that had caused her flight home. Kat rubbed her tummy and knew that life had given her a kick in the rear and she was finally kicking back. Kaitlyn was on her way to the Perry's house. She was nervous. Would they welcome her? Would they scorn her weakness in her choice of mate? As a child she had never realized life was so confusing. Lord how she missed those days. Kat sit and tried to convince herself that it would all be okay. Matt and Jenny would welcome her as they always had, and with open arms. She repeated it over and over in her head, praying she was not lying to herself as she had been for so long. The cab came to a stop and she paid the driver quickly, knowing that if she took her time she might loose her nerve. Standing there by the curb filled her with warmth. The house looked the same. As a child she had played in this yard, on this porch. It felt comforting to think of care-free childhood. The door opened and Kat felt sobs build in her throat. Jenny Perry was standing with her arms wide open and a smile bigger than the ocean covered her face. Matt was behind her, covering his face in his massive hands to hide the flow of tears. She felt shocked by his tears but she recovered quickly. "Kitten, welcome home." Matt and Jenny said together. They all chuckled at their synchronicity. "Oh boy, I have missed you guys so much." Kaitlyn ran into their open arms and was engulfed in a massive family bear hug. She was bustled into the house and lead to a comfy chair. Kat was sure they were curious about her unannounced visit but knew they were too nice to ask, and they wouldn't push her with every thing that had happened. She decided to quell their inquiring thoughts right away. "I was not ready to see Mom. I was afraid she would not want to see me." Kat explained. "Oh honey, your mother would be so happy to see you. It is only the day after she lost your dad and she needs you so much." Matt explained. "I was just being a chicken, I guess. I didn't want to make anything worse." Kat said, craving reassurance. "You wouldn't have. She loves you and always will no matter what." Jenny said, giving her that reassurance that only a mother could. Matt and Jenny had talked about Kat for hours last night. Matt had been so worried after hearing her voice over the phone and now Jenny saw why. Kaitlyn's hair was not as carefully styled as it always had been. Her face was pale and drawn, bruises covering one side of her face. They could tell that she had lost weight, a lot of it. Jenny could not remember ever seeing Kat so thin and frail looking. Her eyes were the only thing that looked healthy. They sparkled as if she had just received an enormous gift and her life was now better for it. Jenny and Matt had thought of Kaitlyn as one of their own since she was born. Jenny had coached Anna through the birth of Kaitlyn; and Matt and Joel had paced the halls. When Jenny thought of Kat she thought of strength. Kat was a quiet beauty. She had always been just as happy in the background as she had been being the center of attention. Jenny sensed that there was more than her father's death on Kaitlyn's mind. "How are you, baby?" Jenny asked, gently prodding. "Well I left Chris. I had too, if I stayed another day I thought I might die and I have so much to live for. Of course I knew Alex would need me too." "Do you mean really die or just metaphorically speaking?" Matt asked, sensing that his feeling about Chris had been right on. "I mean really die." Kat burst into tears and Jenny scrambled to gather Kat into her arms. "Has he hurt you?" Matt asked, trying to place the urge to become homicidal under control. "It started about a month after we got home from our Honeymoon. Little things at first. I had danced too close to another man at a party. My clothes were too revealing. I had flirted with a co-worker. Just stupid reasons to belittle me. That's why I started teaching only girls, because any contact with someone male was being misconstrued into something horrible and perverted and I couldn't take that. I really thought it was me, that I was somehow in the wrong." Kaitlyn said, small sobs jumbling some of her words. "The hitting started after we moved to Virginia. He would have a bad day at work and I was 'punished'. He loved to hurt me and any excuse was good enough. He also developed perverse tastes in bed. He expected me to fight him and I did. I fought because he loved to inflict pain. My screams turned him on so that after a beating he would basically rape me. I stopped saying no after I realized he liked that, so I guess I brought it on myself." Jenny gasped, making Kaitlyn stop talking. Kat closed her eyes waiting for them to agree with Chris that she was a bad wife. All she heard was a quiet, squeaky noise. When she looked up to see what the peculiar noise was she saw Jenny sniffling, watching her with her heart in her eyes. Her expression was so full of love Kaitlyn was awed. "I knew you were strong, but your courage humbles me. It took so much to stay and even more to go. I am so proud of you for having the strength to leave him." Jenny whispered this as Matt blinked back his own tears. Kaitlyn thought about what her aunt said. Was she strong? Was she a good person? How could she be and still be cursed like that. If she was so great would her life have really been so bad? Jenny must have sensed her thoughts. "Kat, God only gives us what we can handle. It was hard on you, I am sure. But it taught you your own courage. This will follow you forever, helping you to deal with what ever life throws your way." "I never thought of it that way. I always thought that I must deserve it somehow. I thought that I was being punished for some horrid thing I had done." "Sweetie there is not a mean bone in your body. You have never been horrible to anyone." Matt said softly. "Now you can give yourself a good life, you can know how incredibly strong you are and you can put that into every thing that you do. If I know you, you will find a way to make this whole sorry business mean something." "Honey I hate to ask, but has he hurt you recently?" Jenny asked, almost hoping for marks. "Why?" "If there are marks on your body we can call the police and file a restraining order. It will help to keep you protected if he tries to come after you." Jenny explained. "He didn't really beat me last night, just a slap really. But I have older bruises on my sides, back, and legs." "Okay kido, you go with your aunt and she will take pictures." Matt said. She could see his anger and it scared her. She had been around so much anger. He must have sensed her thoughts because he smiled and winked at her. Kat followed Jenny into the spare room, admiring it's beauty despite her stress. The walls were a pale pink and silk flowers lined the wall where it met the ceiling. The bed was large and on an elevated platform in the center of the room. The covers were in a floral print and were plump, just asking to be snuggled under. Jenny softly asked her to sit down on the edge of the bed. Kat worried seeing the intense and determined look in her honorary aunt's eyes. "Did he ummm…," Jenny paused, as if to gather her thoughts, "do any think else to you?" she asked. Kat was grateful for Jenny's nursing experience. She felt her spirits rise as she heard the confidence and calmness that seeped from Jenny's voice. "Yes he……… he did. He raped me, but that always follows an outburst. Is that important?" "Yes it is. We should take you in for a rape kit. I know of a great OBGYN. She will be discreet and very understanding. In fact she was the one who delivered you and Jonathan." "Dixie? I have always liked her. Aunt Jenny, I should tell you. I am pregnant. Do you think the baby is okay?" Kat took a deep breath to calm her frazzled nerves, and knew that Jenny would know. "Oh honey, are you okay? Any nausea? Do you need to eat?" Jenny asked, her concern for the baby evident in her voice. "Dixie will be able to tell you if the baby is fine." "I am okay; let's just get this over with. If you think I should see your Dixie than let's do that. The sooner, the better." "Let me go call her and tell your uncle that we are going out. We can get pictures of your bruises while we are there. A police officer will have to come to take the pictures and to get the results of the rape kit. If you aren't ready to do that just say so and we will work something out." She took a breath, "Do you mind if I tell Matt about the baby?" "Go ahead I guess. He is the only father I have left." Kat lay down on the bed and her face filled with emotion. Grief and sorrow almost dripped out of her eyes as the intensity of her feelings overwhelmed her. She was just going to close her eyes for a minute, to relieve her headache and escape the horror of her life. Before she had even settled in she was fast asleep. Matt looked up as his wife entered the room. He was amazed at how beautiful she was, even in a horrible situation. They had been married for so long that he sometimes forgot to look at her closely. He could see from her expression that things were worse than he thought. Matt prepared himself for more bad news. "Is everything okay? Was it bad?" "Well he raped her last night. She is also expecting so I didn't look at her bruises yet. I am saving that for later after a rape kit gets performed." Jenny stated. He could tell she was trying to keep her fury at Chris in check. "Expecting?" Matt asked, feeling his own rage grow in leaps and bounds. "You mean she is pregnant with that bastard's baby?" "Yes she is pregnant with Chris's child. I think that may be a part of why she left, that and loosing her father so suddenly." "Do you think she is okay?" He felt anxious for the baby, but Kat was still his main concern. She needed to be protected and defended. Joel would want it, even expect it from him. "I do. She is shaky right now and Joel's death has hit her hard. I think she is confused. She is dealing with her grief on the one hand and on the other her fear of Chris and her relief at getting away from him is overwhelming her. She is being so strong. I know she hasn't said it but she has to be scared he will come after her. I am going to take her to Dixie." "To check on the baby?" Matt asked solemnly, not knowing how a child could survive in such a battered mother. He was so scared for Kaitlyn, for everything she would have to face in the coming days and months. "And to run the rape kit. We want everything documented." Jenny said quietly. "You might want to call and warn Anna." "I will, let me know what Dixie says." Matt said, sounding very paternal. "Yep. Kat said you are the only father she has left; I think she will tell you everything. She was just embarrassed about the rape and worried you would think less of her because she is carrying Chris's child." Jenny stated. Matt admired how she intuitively knew what Kat was thinking. "What do I do for her? What would Joel do?" He asked, sorrow in his voice, desperately wishing his friend was here. "Just listen when she needs you; that's what Joel would say, and I agree." Jenny walked out of the room to make the arrangements and get ready to go, leaving Matt to his thoughts. He felt his heart break as he thought of all Kaitlyn must have experienced. Matt realized that he was thankful Joel wouldn't be around to hear about his daughter's torture. It would have destroyed him. He prayed Anna would be okay when she found out. Anna sat at her vanity staring into space. She had done her hair and re-done it for hours now. Her mind was not in it. Shock had finally arrived and seemed to be rooted for eternity. Anna needed her family. She wanted her children to be with her, to talk to her, and to share memories of Joel with her. Joel's family had been called by Matt and Jenny and cards and flowers kept arriving. The phone kept beeping but she ignored it. Anna loved his family but couldn't bring herself to look at them. They all had such similar features that she knew that all she would see is Joel. Anna took out a pad of paper and began to write a letter to each of his siblings. Anthony and his wife, Amelia, were first on the list. She gained comfort writing to others that loved Joel. Tony had been Joel's idol as a teen. Joel had wanted to be Tony. Tony was probably in denial along with the other brother, Rick. Rick and Courtney had been so lucky and she hated them for it and hated herself for hating them. Rick had fought in the gulf war. He had been missing in action and was later found in an enemy prison with two broken legs and a shattered arm. Rick would fight the truth until the bitter end, and Anna knew her letter was mainly for Courtney. Joel had been next in line and now that place as middle child was empty. How would they go on? There is no way to miss the empty spot, the void Joel's death created. She felt the grief stab her like a dull knife, dragging and pulling as the pain swelled through her body, leaving her weak and so scared. More scared than she could have imagined. Delia was next. Of all the children she had been closest to Joel. They were more like twins and had always confided in each other. Delia and Thomas must be reeling and Anna hoped her note would give them some comfort even if she was beginning to find none for her self. The letter to Sheila was just as hard as Delia's had been. Sheila was why Anna had even met Joel and she thanked her now as tears streamed down her face. She told each one that she loved them. She also explained that she needed time alone. Anna left the telling of the news to the gaggle of nieces and nephews to their parents. Anna prayed they would all understand her need for solitude. Suddenly the phone rang and Matt and Jenny's number popped up on the caller-ID and she raced to answer it. Matt was one of the only ones who made her feel more connected to Joel because he had been there in those last moments. "Matt, how are you?" "I am good Anna, and you?" Matt asked. She could hear the concern in his voice. "Okay I guess. I can't believe he is really gone." She said, tears filling her eyes. "I can't stop crying." "I know. I haven't ever cried like this. It is a new sensation for me." Anna smiled hearing this huge hulk of a man with so much emotion in his voice. It was nice to have someone feel the same way that she did. "Is something up?" She asked, tentatively, instinctively dreading the response. "Yes honey. Kaitlyn showed up here this morning" "She did? Why didn't she come here? Is she okay?" Anna felt the questions pouring out of her, as her heart ached at knowing her oldest child was just down the street. "Well there has been some trouble with Chris. I think she was ashamed to tell you." Matt said quietly. "Trouble? What kind of trouble?" Anna could not control the tremor in her voice as a mother's worst fears settled into her soul. Fears of infidelity, abandonment, alcoholism, and abuse flashed through her head. Fear over her child's health and that of her son-in-law started to over ride everything as she briefly thought of the suddenness in which she had lost Joel. "He has been abusing her. Apparently for a while now, and she has left him. I think Joel's death was the catalyst she needed to get her self out of there. You should know that she is also pregnant." The thought that something good came from her husband's death gave her a glimpse of hope before all thoughts were on her baby girl. "Pregnant? Is she okay?" "We are not sure. Jenny is taking her to see Dixie. We will find out soon." "Should I be there? Kat must need me." "Anna, I think she needs to get this over with. Rape was involved and she has bruises. I think she needs to know she has done her best to deal with all of it before she sees you. I wanted to warn you." "Will she ever want to see me?" Anna asked, fear coursing through her body like a runaway train, the tears starting for a new reason. She hated how they had left things and she had spent many a sleepless night filled with worry over the chasm that had separated her from her daughter. "Yes. She just hates that you were right and she needs to get her courage up. I know she will want to see you after her appointment with Dr. Rasmussen. It will all work itself out." "Okay, I will be waiting. Call me if there is any news." Anna clicked the phone off and sat motionless on her bed. She hated that she had been right about Chris and that her child had had to suffer at that monster's hands. She fell to her knees and prayed for the health and sanity of her daughter. Kat sat swaddled in a thin cloth jumper. She had a blanket wrapped around her and only her eyes could be seen. The rape kit had been done. Pictures had been taken of her bruises and she had given a statement to the doctor and to the police who would get the restraining order taken care of. Jenny had left the room to get Kaitlyn some more water so that her bladder would be full for the ultrasound. Kat could not help being excited. She knew her baby was not much bigger than a pea but she would still see its tiny form. The ultrasound would be able to tell exactly how far along she was and Dixie would be able to make sure the baby was doing fine. Kat felt drained. She had not expected the evasiveness of the rape exam and it left her feeling weak and vulnerable. The police said that it was necessary. They told her that any evidence gathered would make it harder for him to come after her or her baby. Kat knew that she would do whatever it took to keep her child safe. Despite whom its father was this baby was a part of her and she loved it already. She knew that she would die for it if she had to. As the door opened she felt a new wave of energy course through her. She was going to see her baby. Her aunt gave her a cup of water and she gulped it down thirstily. The humiliation she had endured had led to this moment. Her child was growing inside her and already it was the most important thing in her life. "How are you doing honey?" Jenny asked softly. Kat could hear how worried Jenny was and she wanted to comfort her. She let her excitement fill her body so that it would be visible in her eyes. When Kaitlyn looked up she knew Jenny was surprised to see the glow spreading through her cheeks. She knew the radiant look in her eyes gave Jenny more hope than she had even thought possible through this whole ordeal. Kat had found something to look forward to, something to give her hope, and knew Jenny couldn't have been happier for her. "I am great Aunt Jenny. Can you believe that I am going to be a mother? Do you think I will be able to do it as well as you and Mom did?" Kaitlyn asked with worry in her voice. "Of course you are. You will do an even better job than we did. It can get hard, don't get me wrong, but even the tough times are worth so much." Jenny stated. "Besides your mama and I will be there for you." The door opened again and Dixie walked in. She was older than Jenny and Anna. Dixie had been the one to deliver Kat and that gave her comfort. Dixie has short black hair that she kept spiky and chic. Her height rivaled that of Jenny's and it made Kaitlyn feel small. Her face was showing her age with small crow's feet at her eyes. Dixie carried them with confidence though. She made you feel that she would not ever let anything happen and that if it did she could handle it. Her form was slender and athletic and Dixie walked with a frenzied grace. Her smile was huge as she tried to put Kat and Jenny at ease. "Let's see this baby of yours." Dixie said, and smiled as Kat flinched from the cold jelly being applied to her skin. Dixie ran the probe over Kaitlyn's belly and the screen filled with a moving, shivering image. As the image was magnified Kat sat in amazed silence watching the little figure shift and the pump of a tiny heart. "It looks like you are farther along than you thought. About twelve weeks I'd say." Dixie said, smiling. "Really? But I had a period. It was very light and a bit early but it happened when it was supposed to." Kaitlyn stated, perplexed. "Some bleeding is normal in the first stages of pregnancy. My guess was that you bled when the baby implanted in your uterus. You should start to show soon. The baby has arms and legs, eyes, ears, a nose and a mouth. It is about 6 cm long and growing all the time. Do you see the little pounding spot? That is the heart. Your baby has a great heartbeat." "So is everything fine?" Jenny asked softly. Kat was grateful that her aunt knew that she needed a lot of reassurance and support. "Everything looks great. That is a strong baby you have. Don't worry." Dixie said with confidence. "Do you want to hear the heart for yourself?" "Oh yes, can I?" Kaitlyn felt excited and anxious. She knew that hearing the heartbeat would confirm that the baby really was there. "Sure you can." Dixie turned a little knob and a fast bomp-bomp filled the room. "Is it normal for it to be so fast?" Awe filled her voice, her body warming with each little beat. This was her baby, her child. It was a piece of her as nothing else had ever been and Kat finally understood everything her mother felt. God, she had been so stupid. Her mother should be here. She had shut out the one of the only people who loved her beyond reason. She ached to make it right and decided in that moment to go straight to Anna. "Yep. Everything looks and sounds great. Come back in four weeks and we will do another exam. Until then get some sleep. Exercise when you feel up to it. Under the circumstances some stress is unavoidable but try to keep it down. Eat well because you are eating for two. See you soon if you don't have any questions." Dixie finished out of breath. "I think you answered everything for me. Aunt Jenny?" "Me too. Thanks for seeing her on such short notice." Jenny said. "No problem. See you in a month." The doctor rushed out of the room, looking like her mind was on her next patient. Kat could not believe that this was real. She was dazed as she looked at the pictures Dixie had printed out for her. This was her baby. She thought of her mother and her eyes filled. Lord how she wanted her mother. Her old insecurities began to rise in her throat, suffocating her. Would she hate Kaitlyn? Would she rub it in that she had been right? Kat could feel the anxiety and looked at her aunt, silently pleading for support. Kat was sure Jenny would know what to say. "Honey your mom loves you. She will be there for you, I promise. Just give her a chance otherwise you will never know." "Did Uncle Matt tell her what was going on?" "Yes he was going to call her after we left. She needed to know, Kaitlyn." Jenny said looking sheepish. "That's okay. I figured one of you would call her. Do you think we could go to the house now? I am ready to face her." Kaitlyn pushed her nervousness aside and got dressed so that she could go to her mother. She could not help the hope that filled her soul. Anna would know exactly what to do. She chuckled as she realized she had to be pregnant, her emotions were a rollercoaster. One moment happy, the next nervous, and the next scared to death. At least her moods could be explained. The car glided to a stop in front of her parent's house. Kaitlyn loved this house. Anna had designed it to give the kids lots of room to play. They had horses and dogs all the time. Kat had had her first real kiss on the huge wrap around porch after her freshman homecoming. Every nook and cranny held a precious memory; the majority of them included their father. Joel had always been the center of the family. Kat's heart hurt as she thought of her father. Her chin started to quiver as she tried to hold back tears. "Are you okay sweetie? Do you want me to come in?" Jenny asked, thinking the emotion on Kaitlyn's face was dread. "I'm okay Aunt Jenny. You can take off. I want to see my mother alone." As Kat got out of the car the door opened. Her mother stood in the doorway. Kat was shocked at how small Anna looked. She took a tentative step toward the house and her mom ran out the door and swept Kat into her arms. Kaitlyn had been waiting for this hug all of her life. They sobbed against each other, treasuring the great gift of finding each other again. Without speaking they walked into the house, forgetting everything but catching up. She let her mother lead her into the family room and gently push her onto the couch. She watched as her mother went to the kitchen and got some cookies and chocolate milk. That had always been their comfort food. She watched Anna place everything on a tray and come back into the main room. Anna put the tray on the coffee table and sat down; grasping Kaitlyn's shaking hand in her own. "I love you baby. I am proud of you no matter what is going on in your life. I am so glad that you are here" Anna told her daughter. Kat heard all the love in her mother's voice. Kat let out a breath that she did not even know she was holding. Knowing that her mother still loved her lifted a weight off of her shoulders. She felt more peace than she had ever expected to feel flood her veins. She felt a new life beginning and it was amazing. It was still tinged with sadness and an ache only Joel could fill but it was still amazing. "I have so much to tell you, Mama." "Tell me only what you want to. There is no pressure kitten." Anna stated, using Kaitlyn's childhood nickname. "Mom I know Uncle Matt called and I am not quite ready to go over all of it again. Suffice it to say that I left Chris and want a divorce." "I support any decision that you make. How was Dixie?" "Oh, it went great. The baby is fine and I am even farther along than I thought. I am already entering my second trimester. The rape and beating are documented by Dixie and the police and a restraining order is in the works with a temporary protective order already in effect." Kaitlyn said, the reality of it all hitting her with the force of a bus. She was free. "I am glad that you are safe. We will call Vanessa Miller tomorrow. She has been my literary attorney for years and she sometimes will handle divorce cases. She is the best lawyer in the country. I think she will handle it with a minimum of fuss." Having an attorney's name was oddly comforting. Kaitlyn remembered Vanessa. The lawyer had come out to the house when Anna had been sick to help her meet a deadline and had come for vacations ever since. The first time they met Kat had been seventeen and very wrapped up in her own life but she had liked Vanessa very much. She had seemed to really care about Anna. "That sounds great, Mom. So… how do you feel about being a grandmother?" Kaitlyn spoke softly to her mother hoping for more reassurance. When had she become so scared and insecure? Kaitlyn was frustrated with herself. She knew that her mother would be awesome about everything. "I am so excited. You should stay with me and turn your old room into a nursery. You can make the guest room your bedroom since they are right next to each other." Kat felt like this baby was a new beginning for them and she could not help the anticipation running through her veins. Suddenly Kat jumped up and ran from the room. She heard Anna come after her and knew she was making her mother worry. She entered the bathroom and fell to her knees, slamming the toilet seat up. She was definitely pregnant. |
